Dinner Party
by Chamaeleon
Summary: Crossover. Enter Spike Spiegel, Vash the Stampede, Russell Crowe and Thoreau. Enter College applications. Add a dash of insanity. Craziness ensues.


Disclaimer: I don't Vash, Spike, Thoreau (or his corpse, may he rest in peace) and although I'd like to own Russell, he hasn't actually taken me up for a dinner, so I guess I'm outta luck.  
  
A/N: Okay, let's get one thing straight. This little piece is the love child of insanity. Insanity that stems from sleepless nights and college applications. I actually, in a short moment of lunacy, wrote this for a college. The situation was thus: If you could invite any four people to dinner (politicians, scientists, etc.), who would you select and why? Develop a dinner conversation.  
  
Okay, notice the immediate loopholes. Do these people have to be living? Do they have to be real? Anime otaku that I am, I took them at their unspoken word, and here is the result. It seemed quite funny at godless hours of the night, but in broad daylight, it might not look so great.  
  
Eh heh. With that in mind, on with the show!  
  
~@~@~@  
  
Dinner Party  
  
~@~@~@  
  
An epic tale of greed, misfortune, zombies, and Plants.  
  
With a side of hot actor thrown in.  
  
~@~@~@  
  
I sat down apprehensively, aware of the strange mood at the table the instant I entered the room. Admittedly, these were not the first people to be listed upon most invitees' list. Nevertheless, they were my only choice; the choice I would have made no matter how strange or uncomfortable this dinner would turn out.  
  
I glanced up, and offered a hesitant smile. "Good evening, everyone, and thank you for coming. I truly appreciate the last moment arrivals. Welcome to my dinner party." I made a sweeping gesture, "Allow me to introduce everyone. To my right," I put a hand on the large shoulder next to me, "is the most honorable Vash the Stampede, the Sixty Billion Double Dollar Man, all the way from planet Gunsmoke."  
  
Clad in his customary red coat and spiky blonde hair, the lanky man gave a sheepish smile and crossed his fingers. "Love and Peace!"  
  
I grinned at him, completely swept up by his idealism and goofy manner. "Next to me," I turned to my left, "is the famous bounty hunter, Spike Spiegel. Thank you very much for getting off your lazy butt and coming to the party."  
  
Spike looked at me dully and jerked a thumb at Vash. "I only came because Faye screeched at me to get the bounty since she wasn't invited."  
  
Vash winced and swung tearful blue eyes in my direction. "Wait, there are bounty hunters here? Are you trying to kill me too, ma'am?" He looked on the point of sobbing openly.  
  
"No! No!" I said quickly, "Of course I don't want you killed. That's only your brother, Knives, the Gung Ho Guns, and a few random people... Spike," I addressed the green-haired cowboy, "I'm not going to tolerate any of your stupid antics tonight." He rolled his eyes, muttering about annoying women.  
  
"As for the rest of my guests," I smiled politely at the last two, "I'm glad you could make it on such short notice." Nodding at the bearded man, I said, "Sitting in front of Vash is Thoreau (I'm sure you two will have plenty to talk about), and before Spike is the insatiable Russell Crowe."  
  
Crowe bent his head coolly at the table. "G'day."  
  
"Um," I pointed at the cigarette in Crowe's hand, "Do you mind not smoking tonight? You too, Spike."  
  
"Actually," said Crowe, "I have this health problem where I have to smoke or else I get the chills, so if you don't mind, mate..."  
  
I frowned at him. "That's withdrawal. From drugs. It's not a health issue."  
  
"Well I don't see you breaking down into sweats, eh?" He laughed as though he had just said the funniest thing in the world.  
  
Vash tapped my arm. "Um, miss, will you be serving donuts tonight?"  
  
Tearing my disapproving gaze away from the Australian actor, the crease disappeared from my face and I giggled. "Yep! I had them specially made, just for you, Vash!"  
  
"Excuse me," interjected Thoreau, "but I really have to be going back to my grave soon." He lifted his arm, "It's starting to fall off."  
  
"Woah, mate! You've got something seriously *CENSORED* wrong with you."  
  
Thoreau looked at Crowe strangely. "I've got something wrong with me?" He lifted his chin at Vash and Spike. "They're two dimensional!"  
  
"Hey, hey, hey, now!" I spoke up, "They're anime characters! You got a problem with that?"  
  
Spike sat up from dozing. "Who are you calling anime characters?"  
  
Vash whimpered, "Ahh, the bounty hunter is scary!"  
  
"Oh please, Vash. You have a gun. As an arm. You can defend yourself," I rolled my eyes.  
  
Across the table, Crowe leaned forward, eyebrows rising with interest. "A gun for an arm, eh, mate? Now that's something the chicks would dig."  
  
"Actually..." Vash started.  
  
"Hey!" Spike narrowed his eyes at me, regaining my attention. "I asked who you were calling 'anime characters.'"  
  
I pressed a hand to my forehead. "Have you looked in the mirror lately? I mean, come on."  
  
"Indeed," supported Thoreau, "I might be a zombie, but you are definitely missing a certain... realness"  
  
No! Don't get him started on reality, I groaned inwardly. On cue, Spike's face went shuttered. "Maybe this is just a dream."  
  
I snickered viciously, "Yeah, a bad dream!"  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Spike asked indignantly.  
  
"Ohhh," I said, "You must not be at that episode yet. Your girlfriend isn't dead, huh?"  
  
Spike jolted up like his seat was on fire. "Julia?!"  
  
Next to me, deep in conversation, Vash wiped away a stream of tears with a handkerchief Crowe provided. "...And that's my life story," he concluded tearfully.  
  
Crowe shook his head, "Well, F-*CENSORED*-K me swingin', but that's one sad tale, son."  
  
"Well, I did enjoy those few decades spent at that..."  
  
I reeled backwards as Spike launched himself across the table at Thoreau, drawing guns out from his waistband. "What do you know about Julia?" He shouted, knocking him to the floor with a huge crash. Crowe jumped out of his seat, grinning wildly; on the other side, Vash's eyes flickered.  
  
Thoreau flailed on the floor, his right arm hanging onto his body by little more than a tendon. "Wait! I despise violence! Can't we solve our problems in a peaceful manner?"  
  
Vash clapped like a delighted child, "You hate violence too!"  
  
Skirting insane, Spike waved his guns at us, "Shut up, all of you! What do you know about Julia?"  
  
Crowe's grin slipped away, his face turning dark and dangerous. "Oi, mate, a gentleman doesn't point a gun at a lady," he growled.  
  
"Hey now, let's not get angry," Vash soothed.  
  
I realized it was time I broke things up. "Um, uh-"  
  
"Shut up, Bash!" Spike yelled.  
  
"That's Vash! Vash!"  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"Uh, wait guys," I stuttered.  
  
"Please don't kill this man, no one has the right to take another's life, peace, love, not violence, red is the color of determination, don't kill him!" Vash shouted, rushing over to Thoreau.  
  
"Get away!" Spike shoved at him with a free hand.  
  
"No! Don't kill him! Don't do it!"  
  
Slightly distanced from the scene, Crowe watched, his eyes thin slits. "Where the *CENSORED* is that Gladiator sword when you *CENSORED* need it?"  
  
"Could we, um," I tried.  
  
Vash was weeping overtly, pounding his fist on the floor, "DON'T KILL THIS MAN, I'M BEGGING YOU!"  
  
With a look of disgust, Spike stood up, tucking the weapons away. "Jeez, I wasn't going to. He probably doesn't know anything anyway. Stupid undead," he muttered, and walked out.  
  
In utter relief, Vash collapsed to the floor. "Oh thank goodness. Another life left to live." Abruptly he bounced up, looking like his old jovial self. "Miss, can I go to the kitchen to grab some of those donuts?"  
  
I made a face and shrugged. "Looks like the party's breaking up, anyway," I said. "Go ahead. Take them all."  
  
"Wow!" He rushed up and wrapped me in a giant, rib-shattering hug before running off. "THANK YOU!"  
  
Silence fermented in the room for a moment before Crowe, in the background, decided to speak. "Well, ma'am, that was a fun party, but I must be getting off now. Y'know. Things to do, places to be, what the *CENSORED* ever." He blew me a kiss and wandered off.  
  
I sighed heavily, "Well, I guess that's everyone. That was definitely an interesting night." Concluding that not everything went completely bad, hearing Vash's moans of delights from the kitchen as he scarfed down the sweet pastries, I blew out the candles with a small smile on my face. "I'll have to invite them all back again some day... Yeah." I left, not feeling so bad.  
  
On the floor, lying in the darkness and falling slowly apart, Thoreau struggled to get up. "Oh, bugger. My legs have fallen off. Darn those crafty black ants, eating through my coffin."  
  
FIN 


End file.
